Using Empathy to Support Your Grieving Loved Ones
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When someone we love has experienced a loss, we may struggle with what to say. Statements such as, “I didn’t know what to say to help,” or “I had such a hard time finding the right words” are common statements. When we extend expressions of empathy to someone who is grieving, it is best to speak honestly and from the heart. Here are a few tips based on the teachings of Sara Murphy, PhD, CT, on expressing empathy to a grieving loved one:
Instead of ... using many “I” statements, such as “I am so sorry,” “I was shocked to learn of his death,” “I couldn’t believe it”
Consider ... employing “you” statements and questions, such as “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?” or “You were so important to her.”
Instead of ... making assumptions about the loss and its impact on a survivor by saying “you must be feeling so…” or “normally, people feel…”
Consider ... asking specific questions about how the survivor is feeling and what this loss has meant to them
Instead of ... imposing personal attitudes, values or beliefs, or assuming that you understand those held by the griever
Consider ... asking about and being receptive to the griever’s communicated attitudes, values and beliefs surrounding the loss, which may be altered due to grief
Instead of ... providing unsolicited advice or trying to guide someone through their grief
Consider ... meeting the griever where they are in their own unique pathway of grief
Instead of ... identifying with the griever’s situation by sharing one of your own stories of loss
Consider ... keeping the griever’s loss at the center of the conversation in recognition that they have the right to own their unique story of loss
Instead of ... limiting the griever by saying, “I know how you feel”
Consider ... telling the griever that you would like to understand how they are feeling
Instead of ... shutting down the griever by saying, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through”
Consider ... expressing that you want to understand what they are going through and ask open-ended questions about how they are coping
Instead of ... communicating “silver lining” or “at least” statements such as “at least they didn’t suffer” or “well, she lived a long life”
Consider ... articulating that you understand that no matter the circumstances of death, the griever is experiencing a profound loss and has the right to grieve
In general, to express empathy consider:
- Practicing listening without distractions
- Listen more than talk
- Maintain centered and open body language
- Keep eye contact
- Allow for spaces of silence as needed by the griever
- Ask questions about the relationship, the griever’s feelings and anxieties and ways in which you can help
We hope these tips can help you with communicating empathy to those who are grieving. Remember not to hold yourself to impossible standards because, like grief itself, practicing empathy is a unique process for each of us.
As we approach Memorial Day, we’re reminded that this day is more than just a long weekend or the unofficial start of summer. It's a solemn occasion—a time to pause, remember, and reflect on the extraordinary sacrifice of the brave men and women who laid down their lives in service to our country. Memorial Day is about honoring those who never came home. It's a day to recognize the weight of freedom—the cost of which has been paid in lives lost on battlefields near and far. From the beaches of Normandy to the deserts of the Middle East, these heroes fought not for recognition, but for a cause greater than themselves: the preservation of liberty and the protection of the values we hold dear. But our reflection doesn’t stop there. While Memorial Day specifically honors the fallen, it's also an opportunity to acknowledge the living veterans and active service members who carry the burden of memory and continue to serve with courage and dedication. Their stories, resilience, and sense of duty remind us what it truly means to serve. This Memorial Day, let’s remember with gratitude, honor with intention, and live in a way that reflects the depth of their gift. To all who have served—and to those we have lost—we remember you. We honor you. We thank you.
Grief is one of the most universal yet deeply personal experiences we go through as human beings. Whether someone is mourning the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or even a long-held dream, the pain can feel isolating and overwhelming. If you’re reading this, chances are you care about someone who is grieving and want to know how to support them in a way that is loving, respectful, and helpful. That’s a beautiful first step. Here’s a guide to approaching these delicate conversations with empathy and grace. 1. Be Present More Than Perfect You don’t need the perfect words. In fact, there aren’t any. Trying to "fix" their grief or offer silver linings can unintentionally minimize their pain. Instead, focus on showing up. Your presence—physically, emotionally, or through a simple message—speaks volumes. Sometimes, "I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you" is exactly what they need to hear. 2. Avoid Clichés and Platitudes While phrases like "They’re in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason" may be well-intentioned, they often feel dismissive to someone who is in deep pain. These kinds of statements can imply that they shouldn’t feel as bad as they do, which can create guilt or frustration on top of their grief. Instead, try: “This must be incredibly hard.” “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” “I’m here with you, no matter what you’re feeling.” 3. Follow Their Lead Grief doesn’t follow a timeline or a template. Some people want to talk about their loved one. Others might not be ready. Some may want a distraction, while others may want to sit in silence. Let them set the pace and the tone. Ask open-ended questions like: “Do you feel like talking about it today?” “Would it help to share some stories, or would you rather sit quietly together?” Respect their boundaries without pulling away. 4. Be Comfortable With Silence Silence can feel awkward, especially when we want to offer comfort. But for someone grieving, the space to simply be—without needing to explain or perform—is a gift. Just sitting with them, holding their hand, or being a quiet presence can provide deep comfort. 5. Offer Specific Help Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try to offer something concrete. Grieving people often don’t have the energy or mental clarity to make requests. Try: “Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday?” “Would it help if I took care of [a specific task] for you this week?” “I’m going to the grocery store—what can I pick up for you?” Even small acts of service can be a huge relief. 6. Don’t Rush Their Grief Grief has no deadline. Just because time has passed doesn’t mean the pain is gone. Continue checking in—on anniversaries, holidays, or random days. A quick “Thinking of you today” message can mean the world. Let them feel what they feel, when they feel it. Your steady presence can be a grounding force in a time when everything else feels uncertain. Supporting someone who is grieving isn’t about having the right answers—it’s about showing up with your heart open. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. Grief is messy and unpredictable, but knowing they’re not alone makes all the difference. The best thing you can offer isn’t advice—it’s love
Throughout our lives, we plan for significant events. We plan for retirement to ensure financial security in our later years. We meticulously plan weddings to celebrate love and commitment. We save for education expenses, investing in our children’s futures. And of course, we plan vacations to create lasting memories with those we care about. These plans allow us to live life fully, knowing we’ve prepared for what’s ahead.
Losing a loved one is an emotional and challenging time, and navigating the funeral process can feel overwhelming. Whether it’s your first time making funeral arrangements or you’re unsure about certain aspects of the process, it’s natural to have many questions. Understanding the typical procedures and options available can help ease the burden during this difficult time. Here are some of the most frequently asked funeral questions and their answers to guide you through the process. 1. What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service? A funeral typically involves a ceremony held with the body of the deceased present, either before or during burial or cremation. It often includes a viewing or wake, where family and friends can pay their respects. A memorial service , on the other hand, takes place after the body has been buried or cremated and does not involve the presence of the body. Memorial services may be held in various settings, such as homes, churches, or other venues, and can be personalized to reflect the life of the deceased. 2. What is embalming, and is it required? Embalming is a process that involves preserving the body to delay decomposition, usually for viewing purposes. It is not legally required in most places but may be necessary if the body is to be displayed at a public service or transported over long distances. In cases where there will be no viewing, embalming is typically not needed. However, certain states or countries may have regulations about embalming or the timing of burial. It’s important to check with the funeral home to determine what’s required in your area. 3. How much does a funeral cost? The cost of a funeral can vary greatly depending on factors like location, the type of service, and the funeral home you choose. There are options to help manage funeral expenses, such as cremation (which can be less expensive than burial), choosing a less elaborate service, or purchasing a funeral plan in advance. 4. What is cremation, and how does it differ from burial? Cremation involves the process of reducing the body to ashes. Many people choose cremation for its simplicity, lower cost, and flexibility in how the ashes can be kept, scattered, or interred. Some people opt for a cremation memorial service, where the ashes are present but there is no body. Burial , on the other hand, involves placing the body in a casket and then burying it in a cemetery. This option may include the purchase of a grave plot, headstone, and other related services. The choice between cremation and burial depends on personal, cultural, and religious preferences. 5. What are the steps in planning a funeral? Planning a funeral typically involves the following steps: Notify family and friends : Reach out to close family and friends and inform them of the passing. Choose a funeral home : Select a funeral home to help with arrangements, including embalming (if applicable), obtaining necessary permits, and coordinating transportation. Select the type of service : Decide on whether you want a funeral, memorial, or graveside service. You’ll also need to choose the location and any religious or cultural elements to incorporate. Choose a casket or urn : Select a casket for burial or an urn for cremation. There are many styles and price ranges to choose from. Plan the ceremony : Work with the funeral director to plan the service, including music, readings, eulogies, and floral arrangements. Arrange for transportation : The funeral home will coordinate the transportation of the body to the service and burial or cremation site. 6. Should I pre-plan a funeral? Pre-planning a funeral is a personal choice. Many people choose to pre-plan to relieve their loved ones of the burden of making arrangements during a time of grief. Pre-planning allows you to specify your wishes for the service, casket, burial, and other aspects of the funeral, ensuring your desires are respected. Additionally, pre-paying for a funeral can help protect your family from rising costs in the future. However, it’s important to carefully consider pre-planning options, as funeral costs can vary, and you’ll want to ensure that the plan is flexible and fully understood by the family members who will carry out your wishes. 7. What are the options for scattering ashes? If you choose cremation, there are many options for what to do with the ashes: Scattering : Many people choose to scatter the ashes in a location that had significance to the deceased, such as a favorite park, beach, or nature spot. Keepsake urns : Some families choose to keep a portion of the ashes in a special urn or piece of jewelry. Interment : Ashes can be interred in a family plot or at a cemetery, either in a niche or within a memorial garden. Other creative options : There are many creative options for commemorating the deceased, including turning ashes into diamonds or using them to create a memorial reef. 8. What is a death certificate, and why is it important? A death certificate is an official document issued by a governmental authority that confirms the death of a person. It is essential for handling legal and financial matters, such as settling the deceased’s estate, claiming life insurance, and closing accounts. The funeral home typically assists in obtaining several copies of the death certificate. 9. Can I personalize a funeral service? Absolutely! Many families choose to personalize the funeral service to reflect the deceased's personality, passions, or hobbies. You can incorporate meaningful music, photos, special readings, or even display personal items that were important to the deceased. The funeral director can help guide you through creative options for personalization. 10. What should I do if I can’t attend the funeral? If you’re unable to attend the funeral in person, consider sending flowers, a sympathy card, or making a charitable donation in the deceased’s honor. If the family holds a memorial service, they may also offer the option to participate virtually, such as through a livestream. It’s always thoughtful to express your condolences in any way possible. Funeral planning can be complex, but understanding the answers to these frequently asked questions can help make the process easier to navigate. Whether you are arranging a funeral for a loved one or pre-planning your own, it’s important to take the time to make informed decisions. By doing so, you can create a meaningful, respectful ceremony that honors the life and memory of the deceased, while providing comfort to those who are grieving.
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